(Full Tilt is doing a promotion for bloggers involving fictional blog posts from the: Aussie Millions as I just signed up there I thought I'd enter, go to poker and you too can post some absurdity).
Day 1 at the Aussie Millions:
+Lost my luggage, all I have in my carry on bag is a Stuff Magazine, a USA Today's living section and an English/Austrian dictionary. My mom meant well. She also gave me some Ricola which was even stranger if she really thought I was going to the Alps wouldn't there be plenty there?
+Went to the hotel and tried to get some sleep but my body was confused by the hemispheres and whole other side of the world stuff so I ended up just watching infomercials. Did you know that in Australia instead of Australians trying to sell you stuff the foreign pitchman is always Canadians.
+Played some hold 'em in the cash games. I asked somebody about the conversion rates and how it affected the chips. Apparently it has something to do with a wanker whatever that is.
+Cash game was tough as I was completely, utterly card-dead, I didn't have a single hand to play.
Day 2 at the Aussie Millions
+I saw my favorite Full Tilt pros, who are really my favorite Poker pros period (and that has nothing to do with me winning my trip from them) milling about the lobby. I overheard them say they hate asskissers, I told them I completely agreed and that I admired their integrity for being above flattery. Speaking of Poker's best looking spokesmen and women, Phil Ivy, Howard Lederer, and Eric Seidel are the three most likely to win according to the odds makers, and I'd have to go with the Tilters myself if I were a betting man. Wait, I'm a poker player, I am a betting man. Time to find a bookie, I've got some catching up to do.
+After catching my breath I was nearly run over by a scooter/wheel-chair thing. To my surprise, Mike Matusow was doing wheelies, I don't think it was his, as the plate on the back said "Dolly," and an older gentleman in a cowboy hat was chasing him down the hallway. In a panic, Matusow crashed into Andy Black in a monumental blow-up. There was some fear the Mouth might be injured as he wasn't talking. Strangely at just that moment Mr. Peanut was walking by and saw the prone Matusow and starting taking some cheap shots on him and something about jumping him at last year's world series and payback being an angry peanut.
+ Later, as I milled through the hallways I'd go barely go two feet without hearing the most riveting bad turn of card stories I had ever heard. I was enthralled, and couldn't help but eavesdrop as each story got more and more unbelievable. If only I had the time I'd document those sets that lost to runner-runner straights, those full houses that lost to runner-runner quads on the board and higher kicker in the opponent's hand. I could listen all day to those unfortunate players. Finally, I made it out, but upon doing so I realized that I had spent so much time listening to bad beats, that I had to turn around and come back in again. The big event was about to start and I was playing on Full Tilt's dime so I had to represent.
+Walking back toward the tournament area, I must say, as fascinating as those stories were they were staring to get just a little bit annoying.
+Inside I found my seat and went card dead. I couldn't get pocket aces, kings or queens if my life depended on it. I got Jacks a couple of times, Ace-Queen, and a lot of suited connectors but nothing playable.
+Mid-way through the tournament Allen Cunningham sat down at the table. I kept hearing a red-haired little man in the background point and say, "HE'S ALLEN CUNNINGHAM."
+John Juanda and Jennifer Harmon also sat down at the table after a couple of hours. Finally, I got pocket rockets and could play a hand. Some idiot called my all in with Kings and I was able to double up. I told him he was a donkey.
+After a couple more hours of being card dead with no high pairs, Juanda told me I was the loosest player he had ever seen. I couldn't believe it. I decided to just play kings and aces and ruled out the pocket queens from my starting requirements. I must admit I did steal once from the button by raising 3x with pocket 10s so maybe that was what Juanda was talking about.
+Right before the dinner break I ran into another fish who called my all in with kings when I had aces so I doubled up.
+I learned some new words of flattery, Nit, Rock, and Tight. For the heck of it, I looked them up in the Austrian dictionary just to see what they might have meant.
Day 3 at the Aussie Millions
+Day 2 was a long day which was capped off by me getting checked to in the big blind and making a 10 high straight with my 9 and 10 of hears. Some idiot called me with a 5 and a 9 for a smaller straight. Plenty of fish in the sea for us sharks and I was eager to do a little more poaching on as the cards went up in the air.
+So, again the card-dead thing continued. If only I had something playable. I get such bad luck.
+For lunch I tried some of the local cuisine and had a vegemite sandwich. It wasn't quite peanut butter as I expected but it wasn't too bad.
+My luggage finally came in so I could change clothes. I found my iPod which helps me focus at the table. Unfortunately, I didn't pack the headphones. Jennifer Harmon told me to just buy some new ones. I reminded her we were in Australia and that they couldn't possibly be compatible. She laughed and asked if I was joking.
+I flopped a set of kings and laid them down when I got reraised on a board with Ks2h8d, but finally I was getting my share of the cards as I got AA five times. Three times nobody played with me but I doubled up the other two times.
+This little Canadian whose name escapes me sat down at the table and started telling everybody what cards they held. He claimed he always knew. As he talked I realized he should move to Australia because they love Canadian pitch men, and he's terrible at the cards playing weird hands all the time.
+The rest of the day was somewhat uneventful.
+IF YOU CALL MAKING THE MONEY UNEVENTFUL. I also survived something called the bubble. Apparently people start playing real poker at this critical stage and only showed down big hands. Well, except for the idiot big stacks that seemed to fire away at every pot.
+When I left that night, I heard more of those bad beat stories and regretted not having remembered a pen to write them down. Each one is so fresh and so new.
+I'm mad I still haven't seen a boxing Kangaroo.
+I tried a Fosters beer, I said, "It's Australian for beer mate!" I must have given them some U.S. Money because they wouldn't stop yelling for a wanker.
Day 4 Aussie Millions
+I made the final table and though I'm sitting with my idols I'm not scared of them at all. There is also a local guy with a soul patch. The fans seem to like him. Strangely though, I kept missing a real celebrity because at any given moment they'd start chanting "Ozzie" but Mr. Osbourne was never to be seen. Nor was his friend Mr. Oy.
+Somebody called me a nitfish. Again, I'm not so sure what that means, but I'm fairly confident it's a compliment. I had a fairly decent run of cards but finally I got knocked out in 2nd place when my pocket Aces got cracked. I heard this brat of a man, some idiot named Phil something giving an interview to the local media even though he had gone busted the day before talking about the guy who made a set of kings. He talked about that guy dodging bullets like he was superman or something. I mean really the real story was I lost with pocket Aces. You never see that.
+I'm eager to go back to the states. Even though my luggage arrived, I realized my clothes were packed dirty. I had forgotten that my clothes probalby wouldn't be compatible with an Australian washing machine so I smelled a little bit.
+I didn't get to meet Crocidile Dundee so I'm starting to think that movie wasn't a true story. Russell Crowe was nowhere to be seen either.
+Before I caught my plane home, I saw some football on the TV. I must say I'm surprised they got rid of the pads and the line of scrimmage.
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